Dolly-Dee’s Journal

Dolly-Dee Sassi: 29, Highly undercover  job in the Armed Forces, hates to cook, loves to argue, has a temper.

Keeping a journal is a big risk, but there are codes I use so no one can really get it.

SS                  –           Sassi

Hammer      –          Cute guy

Spa                -           Mission

Massage      -           Message

19^th September, 1999

I’m not much of a writer.  It figures. I’m more of an action person. That was the reason I decided to join the Navy. It almost killed my mother, but knowing her, anything gets her to fly off the handle.

I’ve always known I was different.

It started when I hated to play with dolls, and dress up and stuff. I always wanted to do things differently.

I turn nineteen in a few weeks, and I know what I am cut out to do.

Mummy and Papi just found out that I enrolled in the Navy. They thought I was in university of Lagos, and I got Kay-Grace to cover up for me, that was before she blew my cover. Now, I just simply can’t stand her! I have prepared for the worst – they would shave my hair and forbid me to leave the house.

November 19^th, 1999

Can’t believe that whole episode is over. Mummy and Papi are so into my new chart. They have accepted it, they are not exactly comfortable with it, but at least, Mummy has agreed I can continue going. I didn’t mention that I’ve started taking martial arts classes -  didn’t want to spook them any further.

December 25^th, 2001

It’s my first Christmas away from home. I’m on my first official assignment, and it’s a lot of work. Why would anyone want to work for the Nigerian Army? That’s the question everyone’s asking me, but I believe that many people are simply cowards – instead of folding their hands and complaining about all the ills of our nation, why don’t they do something active, why don’t they make a difference? I plan to make a difference, somehow, fighting crime, putting the bad guys behind bars, and hoping that one day I will make a difference.

I got a call from Mummy and Papi today. I miss them, and all my sisters, it’s so long ago, and yet, there is so much I haven’t done.

I get out my bible and I read the first few pages. It’s what I hold unto these past few days that are very lonely. I am lying on the middle of nowhere, and I’m about to fall asleep. I wonder if snow falls in Jos.

July, 2^nd 2007

I can’t believe the nerve of the guy. He actually walked up to me. Did he take a look at the look on my face? He calls himself Matthew. What a name! Whose called Matthew these days? I have to endure his whole rehearsed speech, and afterwards, I tell him I’m not interested, but he’s really funny. He makes me laugh.  As hard as I try not to, I find myself laughing, hysterically, then I have to let him buy me a drink. Just one drink, there’s no way I’m letting this get out of hand.

July 30^th, 2007

We’re out on our fourth date. He seems like one of the guys Hope would call a TDH, only that he’s not that tall, I think I’m a bit taller than he is, and he’s light skinned. Handsome? Well, that’s a quality that is hard to define. He makes me laugh.

August 7^th, 2007.

He proposes. Just like that. It’s amazing. I think I’m the happiest girl in the world. I call up Mummy and Papi to tell them the good news. I’m going to be a Mrs. I can just imagine me – walking down the aisle, with someone who loves me for who I am, someone who I don’t have to pretend to be someone else around. He doesn’t think I have ‘salle’, he calls my thighs golden lengths… imagine that?

September 27^th, 2007.

The worst just happened. Matthew is dead. I’m not walking down the aisle, there won’t be a wedding. He was with the troops, and there were bombs being dropped. I hear it was a heroic thing he did, but why didn’t he just remain alive for me?

November 30^th, 2007.

I haven’t spoken to anyone. I don’t know what to say. Everyone has been great, but right now, there’s only one person I want to see.

God, why did you have to take him away from me? Why? Didn’t I love you enough? Didn’t I believe in you enough? Why would you take away the one thing that meant so much to me?

January 1^st, 2008.

It’s a new year, and new resolutions. I’ve decided to make things different. I should have never given my heart and soul to anyone – I’ll never do it again, never let anyone break me down the way I was broken down. It’s over… it’s finished. I’ll remain a Sassi for as long as I am alive. I have no more time for anyone – no time for love, it’s over. God is over for me too.